What I am leaving behind in the tens

The past week has been all about reflecting. Not only on 2019 but the entire decade. After sharing all successes, I’d like to share what I am leaving behind in the past decade as well. Sometimes you need someone else’s words to describe your thoughts and feelings. Mine come from Brené Brown. It’s shame.

In 2019 I was pretty much on top. In 2011 I started working as a Business Consultant and worked hard. In the last years of the decade I was thriving in all areas of life. But I hit rock bottom in 2015. I felt ashamed and alone. It was also the year I read Brené Browns ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’ and I could relate to it. Not only then, but actually throughout other (little) aspects of life as well. Leading to several limiting thoughts and behavioral patterns for me to solve.

Brown mentions that shame is that warm feeling that washes over us, making us feel small, flawed, and never good enough. “Shame loves perfectionists. It’s so easy to keep us quiet”. Because it tends to lurk in all the familiar places including appearance, body image, family, work, money, sex, aging, religion, health and addiction. Some examples of shame from Brené’s research I could relate to in general:

• What will people think?
• I’m going to pretend everything is okay.
• I can change to fit in if I have to!
• Taking care of them is more important than taking care of me.
• Who do you think you are to put your thoughts/ art/ ideas/ beliefs/ writing out in the world?

Well, to feel shame is to be human. We all have it. According to Brown, shame is universal and one of the most primitive human emotions we experience. We’re all afraid to talk about shame. But the less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives. Back in 2015, feeling ashamed and alone, I almost didn’t dare to talk about the situation of how I felt. But I started doing that with my closest friends and family. And of course it helped. I experienced, when I was open about not being okay, it also encouraged the other person to share their stories. Which deepened the connection between us even more.

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.

Brené Brown

Shame keeps worthiness away by convincing us that owning our stories will lead to people thinking less of us. Shame is all about fear. We’re afraid people won’t like us if they know the truth about who we are, where we come from, what we believe, how much we’re struggling, or even to share how happy and successful we are. Sometimes it’s just as hard to own our strengths as our struggles.

So, step by step, I focused on myself. I Take care of myself first. I do not change to fit in any more. What you see is what you get. And practice makes progress! One of my biggest limiting thoughts was: who do I think I am to put my writing out in the world? I think I finalized the MBA Change Management in 2013, where I received many compliments on my essays. It took me over 6 years to dare publish my own blogs…

As you can imagine, I did a lot of ‘scary’ things after 2015. And they all have been rewarding in some way. Leading to beautiful conversations, deepened connections, lots of opportunities. Leaving me very happy, grateful and satisfied. This is mostly the reason why I dare to share this personal story. What are you leaving behind in the ‘ tens’?

You can read The Gifts Of Imperfection by Brene Brown either English or Dutch.